Alien life to pay “decent sum” for Earth’s resources
Politicians and economists rejoice today as alien life visited Earth to offer what is being called a “decent sum” for all of our natural resources.
Morgan Freeman to narrate the apocalypse, it has been announced
Smooth-talking veteran actor, Morgan Freeman, has reportedly been contracted to narrate the end of the world in a civilization-defining role.
Glasgow man found raindancing to be ritualistically burned
Glasgow resident Murdo McMannis found doing a rain dance in George Sq. every Friday afternoon is set to be ritualistically burned in order to appease the sun god this weekend.
Army to use new F-35 jets to “blast water back into rivers”
Following pleas from a Wraysbury flood victim, Defence Secretary Philip Hammond (picture above) has used the flood defense money to purchase new F-35 fighter jets, costing a total of £2.5bn.
In other news, GOD is trying his best to wipe out the PHILIPPINES
In a press release today God has announced that he is very sorry for the disruption but he is trying to build a new pitch and putt course in the Philippines and needs everyone out. As such he has decided to send every single bit of bad weather their way. Donate to God’s pitch…
CRYING BABIES everywhere to be assured that life gets easier
A new national campaign to reduce the noise pollution caused by crying babies is focused around creating a positive perception of their future, a Home Office spokesperson has said. “This government, as the greenest government ever, is tackling all forms of pollution, particularly noise pollution.” said the spokesperson. “Studies have shown that children feel…
Hurricane St. Jude “worst UK storm to ever hit social media,” says expert
The hurricane names St. Jude, after the patron saint of lost causes, was the worst UK storm to hit social media ever, it has emerged. “Weather warnings went out from the Met Office and the BBC on Thursday last week, causing micro-storms on Twitter” explains Dr Murphy, from the University of Studies. “By the…
