Buckfast monks win Scottish Independence Referendum

Devonshire monks at Buckfast Abbey are celebrating a historic win as polls open for the Scottish independence referendum.

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As millions of Scots take to the polls to vote Yes or No to Scottish independence, Benedictine monks in Buckfast Abbey, Devon, are celebrating an early win.

According to official figures, over 80% of the voting population in Scotland have already voted for Buckfast tonic wine.

“We expected a good turnout today,” said one monk, “but the response has been overwhelming!”

Many of the monks were seen cruising around the rural Devonshire countryside in brand new Ferraris in the early hours of the morning.

“Spirits have been high in both the Yes and No camps,” explains Jean Murdo, from Glasgow, “but ultimately I decided to just stay at home and get a bit pished on a bottle of Buckie. It seemed the only safe option.”

“I’ve never really trusted or tried Buckfast before,” Glenn McMorgan, 64, Edinburgh, “but then I’ve never voted for either the SNP, Labour or the Tories before, and out of the four of them I think I trust the Buckfast monks moreso.”

Police and emergency services are braced for alcohol related violence and injury.

However, Chief Superintendent Davies, of the Strathclyde Police Service, told us: “Whichever way the vote goes today, around half of the population are going to be bitterly disappointed. I think the only way we will achieve peace and reconciliation in the long term is for both sides to have a good ol’ piss up, fight it out, and wake up tomorrow in hangover solidarity.”

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