Claims that humans face poor breeding season debonked



Guest post from the editor of Scottish Times

Another poor breeding season related to austerity and rising food prices threatens the human population, claims new research.
A dramatic drop in average virility may explain why the world’s once bustling and noisy cities are in danger of being silenced as homosapiens increasingly fail to procreate, according to leading charities.

One man in Edinburgh complained that he had so much debt, he just can’t afford to meet women. He added: “I can buy enough discounted food to last me 3 days if I forego the price of a coffee in Starbucks. If I bought a girl a couple of drinks, I’d be too hungry to have sex and a series of dates would see me starve to death.”
However, the research was immediately dismissed as alarmist by financial organisations which said their members were experiencing an exponential rise in levels of sexual encounters.

One leading banking executive said: “Basically, everyone I know is shafting everything in sight. We have also discovered that small loans can increase sexual appetite in our customers”. He added: “Lenders create liquidity and borrowers subsquently feel a very tangible ‘trickle-down’ effect.”

New evidence has also emerged showing that London’s bankers are prolific sperm donors strengthening the case that debt actually increases virility in Britain’s financial hubs. On average 36 finance professionals in London donate sperm every month according to data provided by the London Sperm Bank (LSB). The data shows that although as many financiers as students go to the sperm banks they choose not to accept their expenses payment of £35.00 underlining how capital flows benefit the whole economy.

Experts warn that charities are being “alarmist” over the falling population statistics and argue that there is no established causal link between birth rate decline and austerity.

Recently, health professionals in Greece claimed that there has been a 10 percent drop in births since austerity policies were introduced. However, the claims were undermined after fresh information emerged showing a 150 percent rise in teenage prostitution in the cities vibrant commercial district demonstrating that high levels of sexual appetite remained across Greek society.

Greek citizens accepted the losses of private banks and their foreign bondholders in order to save the financial system from collapse, explained leading bankers. This prevented a social and economic collapse and ensured ongoing peace and stability around the world, especially in places such as the Middle-East and North Africa.

If our management of the financial system completely fails again, there is now plenty evidence that the taxpayer should step in and take on those losses, said former Goldman Morgan chief-executive and European Commission (EC) vice-president Sir Robin Bass.

The EC have now released evidence showing that extreme virility levels within the financial sector showed that austerity was working. Germany’s newly re-elected Chancellor Merkel warned that had European banks not been bailed out no-one would be getting shafted. Austerity and stimulus are two sides of the same coin, she confirmed.

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