Panic for lesbians as Daily Mail readers donate sperm

Panic has spread throughout the lesbian community as couples trying artificial insemination told sperm “likely to come from Daily Mail readers”

Artists representation of a Daily Mail sperm cell

Artists representation of a Daily Mail sperm cell

The NHS expects a sudden drop in the number of applications for artificial insemination, particularly by gay and lesbian couples, as news that Daily Mail readers are likely to donate sperm hits headlines.

“We had assumed that couples would have realised that, as the biggest segment of wankers in the population, sperm is quite likely to come from Daily Mail readers,” explains one NHS nurse.

“We hadn’t expected it to come as such a shock, but today’s headlines suggest otherwise!”

Other groups also overrepresented in sperm banks include students, Tories and Nigel Farage.

One lesbian couple from Midllothian told us: “We have been thinking about trying artificial insemination in order to conceive, but after hearing that it was largely Mail readers and Tories donating we’re not so sure.”

How to tell if you received sperm from a Daily Mail reader

Does your child…

…get inexplicably angry at children from other cultures?

…throw their toys out of the pram whenever you suggest playing with other children?

…spit bile over your morning newspaper?

…cry whenever Ed Miliband comes on the television or radio?

Then you may have received sperm from a Daily Mail reader.

What to do if you think you received sperm from a Daily Mail reader:

Step 1 – Leave copies of the Guardian around the house to counter their natural right-wing anger. For tough cases you could try leaving recordings of Tony Benn playing overnight.

Step 2 – Watch kids shows such as BBC’s Rastamouse to demonstrate that immigrants aren’t evil

Step 3 – As they get older teach them that sharing their toys can be fun and help them make friends

Step 4 – When they are a little more grown up, start taking them with you to vote in the European elections

Step 5 – Rub them in extra-sensitive baby oil

WARNING: You MUST keep them away from all copies of Mein Kampf at all times.

Penny for your thoughts? (Note: I will not actually send you a penny)