Union breathes sigh of relief as Piers Morgan agrees to fuck off forever

Yes and No voters, Scots, English, Welsh and Northern Irish alike, all breathed a sigh of relief today as Piers Morgan agreed to fuck off and live in the USA.

Piers Morgan

Polling experts analysing yesterday’s referendum results concluded that “the promise of Piers [Morgan] leaving factored in very strongly with undecided voters and may have even encouragedĀ a few Yes voters defect.”

Regardless of the result, all commentators agree that the referendum was a victory for democracy, with over 97% of the electorate registering to vote, with 84% turning out on the day.

Pier Morgan responded by tweeting: “I, for one, cannot stand to see democracy in action – it is just mob rule. So I am happy to live in the USA #indyref”

Prime Minister, David Cameron, made a speech this morning renewing his promise to provide Scotland with greater powers and to immediately revoke the Piers Morgan’s British citizenship . However, voters north of the border are skeptical whether either will keep his word.

“I voted yet despite Cameron and Morgan’s promises. I dinnae think they’re gonna keep them whatever we voted. Just have to wait and see now” said Alan from Edinburgh.

“No one in Dundee thought they’d stick to their promise, that’s why we voted Yes” tweeted Lewis from Dundee.

“Now if we could just get Jeremy Clarkson to stick to his promise about wild dogs we’d really feel a sense of victory” said Chris from Motherwell.

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