World is just as black and white as it appears, sources confirm

black and white

 

Multiple sources have this week come out to confirm that the world is exactly as black and white as it is made out to be. 

In joint press releases, respected members of the media, press, government, business and religious groups have come together with one clear message: There are no grey areas.

“We see it in the Bible, we see it in politics, we even see it in the media – everything is either one thing or another. No buts.” proclaimed the Archbishop of Canterbury. “It doesn’t say in the Bible don’t kill except when…It simply says thou shalt not kill. That is unambiguous.”

Editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, echoed a similar point, saying: “People keep proclaiming that they want issues better investigated and analysed, individual situations taken into account, but they simply don’t understand that they are asking for the impossible. There is no more information or analysis to be done, and morality is universal and provided by white middle-class men.”

“Things are either good or bad, and anyone that tells you otherwise is a crazy, lefty liar!” he added, frothing at the mouth.

Even prominent political figures came out in support of the view. Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, chimed in, stating: “The Labour government left us with a huge budget deficit, we need to fix that by cutting spending. It is that simple. There is no need to wonder about where the money comes from or whether paying off debt would actually deflate the economy due to how money is created through debt. These are meaningless grey questions in a black and white world.”

Jumping on the bandwagon, UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, tweeted: “Immigrants add to the population, a bigger population costs more, ergo immigrants are bad. Full stop. #commonsense”

However, not everyone was on board with the message. Green Party leader, Caroline Lucas, spoke out to say: “Most, if not all, issues affecting the UK, and indeed the world, today have their solutions hidden in the grey areas. We need an evidence-based approach to policy that reflects the reality and complexity of the world around us and not simply groupthink so-called ‘common sense’.”

Ms Lucas has now been detained under Section 4 of the Mental Health Act 1983 and was unavailable for more hysterical left-wing propaganda.

 

Image credit: JessicaIllustration

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