Wonga to finance Ukraine national debt

Wonga representatives and Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseny Yatseniuk

Wonga representatives and Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseny Yatseniuk discussing the contract

The unelected government of Ukraine has today accepted a deal with the international arm of payday company Wonga.com, otherwise known as the IMF, to refinance their spiraling national debt.

Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseny Yatseniuk said: “We’ve got debts up to our eyeballs, we didn’t know who to call. Fortunately at Wonga.com we could see how much we were borrowing and for how long. They made the whole process really simple.

“Plus I really like their puppets. Everyone here seems to.”

Acting President Oleksander Turchinov accepted all terms and conditions of the contract online and was approved in just one fifteen minutes. He dubbed the contract: “The prevention of financial catastrophe and creation of prerequisites for economic growth,” however, critics have redubbed it: “the financial catastrophe and creation of private wealth.”

As an interesting clause of the contract, Wonga.com stated that they “may not give [Ukraine] the full amount of the money promised” and that it “depended on their willingness to wear lipstick and call them ‘Big Daddy’.”

Explaining the unusual clause Adrian Beecroft, part-owner of Wonga.com, said: “Well $18 billion is a lot of money and we want to ensure some sort of return. The clause is simply in there so we can ensure our return, as any company would in a capitalist government.”

As well as the clause, Wonga has also reduced its typical APR of 5853% to just 20% on the condition that Ukraine increase the price of absolutely everything via hikes to VAT and fuel, while cutting corporation tax – the same conditions that saw countries like Ireland, Portugal and Spain recover so quickly after the financial crisis hit in 2008.

Some consider the activities of payday lenders like Wonga and the IMF to be loan sharking, asset stripping people and countries who are desperate due to the reckless actions of similar institutions as well as systematic corruption. However, a spokesperson from the World Bank – the banking institution set up by the Almighty himself – said that this loan was “vitally important” and offered to get in on the action too.

We tried to speak to some critics of the Ukrainian payday contract, but they were smelly hippies and could not be conversed with coherently.

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