Alien life to pay “decent sum” for Earth’s resources

Politicians and economists rejoice today as alien life visited Earth to offer what is being called a “decent sum” for all of our natural resources.


Chief human negotiator, Laura Kim, said that the final price for our resources was “more than generous” given the time and effort it would take us humans to extract.

“These aliens would simply teleport the agreed resources to their spaceship and be on their way,” explains Ms Kim, “whereas we humans would waste time, effort and money extracting them.”

British Prime Minister, David Cameron, said that the deal “represents the best chance mankind has for digging our way our of debt.”

In a full press release Mr Cameron stated: “As Prime Minister I have taken big steps and made difficult decisions to help get Britain out of debt and into recovery, and that, of course, has involved taking a huge shit on the natural world.”

“We’ve encouraged fracking beneath people’s homes, we’ve given away billions of your money to oil companies, and done a string of dodgy deals with China – we’ve literally done everything with the power and money you gave us to balance the books, but it simply isn’t enough.”

“The historic deal that we, the leaders of the free world, have achieved today will ensure that we are not just out of debt, but that we will never be in debt again.”

Even Labour leader, Ed Miliband, had praise for the deal: “With the help of leaders from around the world, Mr Cameron has, today, made a deal that sees us come out of recession, return to a budget surplus, and has boosted not just the UK’s financial markets, but markets across the world.”

“Now we need to do the responsible thing with that money by investing it in decent, hardworking families.”

However, not everyone saw the deal in such a favourable light.

Some hairy, lefty nutcase from the Green Party of England and Wales said: “What is the point in investing money in families if there is no water to drink, air to breathe, or food to eat?”

This point of view was quickly shot down by Robert Peston, chief economics editor at the BBC, who said: “The Green Party have once again got lost in their own Malthusian rhetoric. If this money is invested back into the economy then we can make significant technological advances that will see us become less reliant on these so-called resources. But we need that cash injection now.”

Penny for your thoughts? (Note: I will not actually send you a penny)