Glasgow resident Murdo McMannis found doing a rain dance in George Sq. every Friday afternoon is set to be ritualistically burned in order to appease the sun god this weekend.
“We’ve been wondering what has happened to the weather in Scotland this last month. It seemed wonderfully sunny all week and then suddenly, without rhyme nor reason, it would piss it down all weekend,” says Dr. Julia O’Mally at the Scottish meteorological society.
“Now it appears as if we have our explanation,” she added.
The Glasgow man, Murdo McMannis, 36, was found “dancing in such a way as to conjure the rain gods at 3pm this afternoon,” explains PC David Davis of Strathclyde Police.
“This is a senseless crime, especially while we are hosting the Commonwealth games,” continued PC Davis, “and it is tradition that we burn the offender on the soonest possible Sunday following his arrest.”
Police have decided to ticket the event that will be held in George Square this coming Sunday at high noon. Tickets are expected to go on sale for around £80 which will include a free beer voucher.
“We really need a rally of support to show the wider community, nay, the world that Glasgow is a city of culture and understanding, not people who want to piss over everyone else’s parade,” said Councillor Sadie Docherty, Lord Provost of Glasgow.
“Hopefully by coming together we can inspire the sun to put his hat on and come out to play at this year’s Commonwealth Games. Just as long as the fucker doesn’t beat us Scots!”