Yes and No voters, Scots, English, Welsh and Northern Irish alike, all breathed a sigh of relief today as Piers Morgan agreed to fuck off and live in the USA.
Devonshire monks at Buckfast Abbey are celebrating a historic win as polls open for the Scottish independence referendum.
A man in Seattle, USA, has begun using high-energy explosive devices to rid his house of an infestation of spiders.
A pack of wild dogs, said to have been drafted in from Mongolia, have told reporters that they are “excited” about appearing on the new series of Top Gear, and have been encouraging presenter Jeremy Clarkson to “fatten up”
In a shock twist to the Scottish independence campaign, First Minister Alex Salmond successfully invaded Downing Street today, declaring England for the Scots.
Paul Singer, founder of Eliott Management, has claimed to be able to complete “the hard work of the whole of Argentina” in a recent investor letter, buoying growth predictions for the US economy.
Panic has spread throughout the lesbian community as couples trying artificial insemination told sperm “likely to come from Daily Mail readers”