After a two-week break, The Rough Times is back with this exclusive interview with Satan. We talk about hating all mankind, Nigel Farage, Katie Hopkins, Russell Brand, and Kim Kardashian’s bum
Avid Rough Times readers will have noticed that we have been “off air” for the last couple of weeks. That is because we have been traversing the nine circles of hell seeking an exclusive interview with the fallen angel known as Satan.
After winding round the lake of boiling pitch, where we bumped into General Pinochet, we were lowered by the giants to our meeting with the Devil himself.
Here’s the highlights:
RT: There is a lot of discontent on Earth at the moment. I suppose the first thing to ask is whether you had a hand in any of it?
Satan: People give me a lot of credit for things that go wrong in the world, but the truth is that most of the time I am working on my art projects. I have recently taken up oil painting and have been compiling a collection of portraits of world leaders, and a couple self-portraits.
That being said, I did send God a few of my designs for a new type of woman, one with an entirely vacuous personality but a huge rear end. I knew that such a woman would drive you humans completely mad and I’d hoped it would stir things up a bit. I didn’t actually expect God to actually make Kim Kardashian though…
RT: It has been said that you hate all mankind and that’s why God expelled you from Heaven. What drove that hatred of us?
Satan: It is a bit embarassing to admit, but when I was young I was a bit of an idealist – who isn’t? I thought the Earth looked pretty good with just the plants and animals and such, so I was never particularly keen on the idea of humans. I thought that they would screw everything up and leave the place in a mess. I got pretty stroppy about it at the time.
These days, with creatures like Katie Hopkins slithering about, I would class myself as pretty moderate.
RT: In a recent interview with the New Statesman, Nigel Farage said that he would be prepared to do a deal with you if that’s what it took to get what he wanted. Would you be open to making a deal with UKIP?
Satan: I did read that interview actually. I think he was using me as a point of comparison to Ed Miliband, which to be honest I resent. Secondly, I don’t think I would entertain another deal with [Nigel] Farage. Sure, the guy is fine to go for a pint with, but he never gets the rounds in.
RT: You say “another deal” – does that mean that you have made a deal with Farage previously?
Satan: Oh yes, back in the ’80s when he was a merchant banker. Unfortunately he filed a superinjunction over its contents, so I can’t share that with you for legal reasons.
RT: Some people have said that Russell Brand is the harbinger of the apocalypse, perhaps even one of the four horsemen. Do you have any insight into that?
Satan: Well let me first put to bed the rumour that Brand is one of the four horsemen. Those guys are all relatively quiet, shy, introverted types. They would be horrified to be turned into a meme or have their own YouTube show.
Then I would invite you to look at the Armageddon prophecy in a bit more detail. It clearly states that following the four horsemen will come the anti-Christ – someone I have selected to be the complete opposite of Jesus, yet would appear to be saving mankind. That actually happened in 1999 when then chairman of the US Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan, essentially made neoliberalism the law around the world.
I was supposed to rise in the year 2000, but I was a bit worried about the millennium bug, so I pushed it back to 2001. Then George Bush got elected and 9/11 happened, so it seemed a bit of a moot point.
Since then I have been working on my paintings.
If you would like to buy one of Satan’s new paintings then all you need to do is set fire to a wad of cash. That will send your money directly to Satan and you can expect your unique painting within 28 days.