“Violence to solve everything”, claim MPs

After years criticising Tony Blair and the Labour Party for dragging the UK into an illegal war with Iraq, Tory MPs have voted overwhelmingly to begin airstrikes on the same soil, concluding that “perhaps violence does solves everything”.


“We are often told my our mothers that violence does not solve anything, but I do not have the luxury of simple moral dilemmas,” explains Prime Minister David Cameron. “When it comes to the nuances of international relations, carpet bombing is usually the best way forward.”

Education Secretary, Nicky Morgan, said: “We need to get out of people’s heads this specious notion that violence isn’t a legitimate means to an end – of course it is. Nothing in this world has been accomplished without violence.”

“As a mother, I understand the desire to lie to your children in order to manage their behaviour, but ultimately they will learn that you are wrong – so isn’t it better to be upfront with them to begin with? I always tell my Alex to hit, bite, scratch any bullies, since that is the only way anyone learns.”

“This is why both the Conservatives as well as Labour have always put such an emphasis on the Second World War in education – it is the ultimate lesson that violence can solve everything, as long as you don’t try to invade Russia.”

Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, told us that “unlike the Labour-bungled Iraq war, this offensive will be limited to a realistic 3-year timeline, in which time we expect these terrorists without home or family to settle into a normal nine-to-five routine at their local insurance agency.”

“You have to remember that these Islamic terrorists do not believe in anything except killing innocent people. By bombing their infrastructure, homes and killing more civilians, we will show them what they can believe in – Western domination.”

“Once they come to understand that, we are confident that they will integrate into Western culture. We already have a Lady Gaga concert scheduled in for October 2017 – that’s how confident we are in this plan.”

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