Man begins bombing raid against spiders in house

A man in Seattle, USA, has begun using high-energy explosive devices to rid his house of an infestation of spiders.

House spider

“At first it was just one spider and I thought it would eat the mosquitoes that keep sucking me dry each night, so I tried to help the little guy get set up. But then before I knew it there were a whole bunch of them and they’d taken over my laundry room,” the man explains. “I called them the Irritating Spider Infestation Scourge, or ISIS for short.”

“At that point I asked myself What would Obama do?”

“So the first thing I did was fly to Paris, Texas, to meet with other people having trouble with ISIS. We formed a sort of taskforce. Then I decided I needed more than just to stop them spreading, I needed them destroyed.”

“That’s when the idea of tactically bombing the spiders to degrade and destroy them came to me. Of course that’s what Obama would do! I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before.”

The man then used high explosives to destroy his laundry room, but the problem didn’t stop there.

“I thought that had done it. Of course it left a big hole in the wall, but at least ISIS were gone…so I thought.”

“Apparently the bombing must have radicalised the other spiders in the region, they came swarming in, more and more each day. So I had to expand my campaign to include the kitchen, dining room and half of my lounge.”

Unsurprisingly, the campaign has destroyed most of the man’s house, leaving only rubble. He is now sleeping in a small apartment supplied by the Red Cross until he can afford to rent a new home.

“It was an expensive operation, but at least I can say ‘Mission Accomplished!'”

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