US Government to “redefine how many dead children is too many”

In response to the ongoing Israeli “self-defence” offensive in Gaza, US Secretary of State John Kerry has said that we must “redefine how many dead children is too many”.

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In previous conflicts the threshold of too many dead children required for outrage sat at an average of forty-six, but this was revised down during the conflicts in Libya and Syria in order to whip-up support for military intervention.

Of course, the threshold of dead American children required for full-on outrage still lies at minus twenty-seven thousand. Merely the threat that one may be killed is enough to spark a national outcry. By comparison, the magic number for Israeli children is three.

However, the full-scale bombardment of Gaza and the deaths of over 300 children in just the last month has led some in Washington to consider revising the number required for outrage.

“What you need to understand is that Hamas are so spiteful that they literally strap their children to missile launchers so that when the IDF indiscriminately fire on those areas with missiles then there will always be child deaths,” explains Secretary of State John Kerry.

The IDF are also targeting civilians that are involved in the manufacture of rockets Hamas uses to fire at Israel. Ingredients can include such common household items as bottles, fizzy drinks and packets of Mentos.

“Unfortunately, it is the children in Gaza who are more likely to be carrying these ingredients of death,” explains Soda Stream spokesperson, Phil Bubbles, “so they are most likely to be the targets of IDF missiles.”

“Those boys on the beach, for example, how are we to know that they weren’t carrying a bottle of fizzy drink or a packet of mints?”

“That is why we at Soda Stream made the decision to set up a factory in the occupied West Bank – we had hoped to avoid the current situation by allowing people to make their own fizzy drinks by the glass, minimising the number of plastic bottles.”

Washington is considering increasing the threshold for Arab children up to around one thousand – following a historic low of just four during the crisis in Syria.

“We will be setting a new threshold in the coming weeks and we hope that it will quieten the outrage currently directed at our friends in Israel,” concluded Senator Kerry at a press conference today.

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